Author: mitchellsthoughtsphotosetc

By Mitchell Slepian

Today, far too many places use low flush toilets to conserve water. Well, these toilets wastewater.

Let’s explore how.

Years ago, a dearly departed friend went to Israel. I was going shortly after. He told me its bathrooms had two buttons on the bowl for flushing.  One small. One large. I am sure you can guess what body waste corresponds to which button.

No surprise that the world’s holiest place would come up with ways to conserve water. Its lack of water stories and methods it developed to have it are well known.  My office has traditional urinals and bowls.  The bowls are low flush.

Now I’m all for conserving water. But sometimes one makes a big defecation — Be it diarrhea, a log, several nuggets or even a few twigs, often requires extra toilet paper.  Many times when you flush plenty of poop and paper is still floating around the bowl. Or even worse, it gets stuck to the bottom of the bowl. This means you have to keep flushing.  What a waste of water.

Is there a solution? Yes. What is it?  A five-seater tip pan latrine saves water and brings much-needed togetherness.  A 10-seater would work even better.  But I have only experienced 5-seaters.  Sadly, the larger ones were gone way before my time.

An old tip pan latrine literally and figuratively is the only way to go. These precious buildings known as Willys or Larrys have a urinal next to the holes. The willy roll rod was right behind the seats, affixed to the wall.  On the other side were a shower and sink.

When you do your business, your waste goes into the willy hole.  It doesn’t flush. So no water is wasted.  You see a tip pan willy worked on a simple, yet ingenious principle. When people went, washed up and showered, the wastewater ran into a large tip-pan, which collected this water. The pan was on a fulcrum, like a seesaw. Once enough water filled the pan, it would tip forward and release the water into a large pit that was below the seats. The waste products were washed down into a small four-inch pipe, which went down to the cesspool (which was close to the bend in the road, about 1/4 mile away). With the pipe being so small, anything that fell down into the pit had the potential to block the flow.

In my experience using this type of bathroom, I got to witness a variety of things go down the willy hole that should not have. This included a full willy roll, a handheld video game and a pair of glasses. So while you’re sitting there be careful. Only what needs to go into the hole should go. Or someone has to go down into the willy to fetch the alien object out.

Since it doesn’t flush that explains the water conservation. But how does it bring togetherness?  Five or 10 people can be sitting together while doing their business.  They can have stimulating chats while attending to their needs.  Some of the chats I attended discussed buffaloes and gardening.

When I used to use one regularly, we had a camper who sat on his seat all day. He used to say, “Mitch, Mitch, come sit with me. We’ll s**t together.”  Many campers’ first memory of camp was relieving himself with him.

So in a day when we have people working to save our environment and bring people together, this is the perfect way to do so.

Saturday morning Marc woke up and went to shul. He’s been skipping it lately. Not thrilled with the congregation. But he walked in and all was well.  All the usuals were there.  In some ways when Ringling Brothers closed the circus, they moved it to his congregation.  Actually, they were there long before the circus closed.  Alana sat in the women’s section in her black skirt.

Marc was deep into his siddur.  He was thinking about the last few weeks.  They were not great.  The battles with Anat were getting to him. But he knew he had to keep people safe from her wrath.

The Torah reading completed. Marc got the third aliyah and made the appropriate donation.  Services concluded. He went downstairs to hear kiddish and quickly departed. Alana hung around.

He went home, ate and went to the park with his Star Wars and Incredible Hulk comics and Foreign Affairs.

Kids were running through the sprinkler. All was well.  Then he heard screams.  He figured a kid fell off the slidin’ pond.  He didn’t even take his eyes away from his book. The screams got louder and were from multiple voices.

He looked around. Much to his dismay, he saw flying raisins, apricots, and prunes.  Why? He muttered to himself.  He knew Anat would strike again. But why attack innocent people enjoying a quiet Saturday afternoon.

Marc put his books in his Yankees tote bag and made a mad dash from his table.  He saw his nemesis out of the corner of his eye.  He reached back and pomegranates started to fly and take out the dried fruit.  At first, Anat didn’t notice him. She just seemed bewildered when the raisins missed the targets. Then a huge piece of barely coated in honey slapped her right in the face.

She went nuts.  She saw Marc and charged after him.  Marc was on his own. Alana was nowhere to be found. But he wasn’t worried. The two volleyed back and forth with their weapons. Then Marc jumped over a bench and kicked her in the stomach. She went down. He unloaded honey all over her.  He refused to let up. He was screaming at her. He said he understood if she went after him, Alana and Jennifer. But why couldn’t she leave everyone else alone?  She laid on the ground in deafening silence.

 

Anat was left for the dead. She spent the night sprawled out on the curb where Marc and Alana left her. Her body ached. She was dehydrated. She had scrapes on her legs. She forced herself up. She hobbled over to a street vendor and purchased several bottles of water.

She fished into her pocket for her iPhone. At least she still had that. The battery was dead and her charger was home. She got herself to the train. The whole time she was in tears. She wasn’t sure if she was crying due to being beaten, her pain, her misery and the need to stop it.

She hopped onto the 5 and got off at 86 Street and walked to her apartment. As she walked in she was doused in wine and pomegranates. She fired back. However, the surprise caught her off guard.

For over twenty minutes they fought like cats and dogs.

Anat was panicking. She never does that. Alana and Marc were in rare form. Attacking a Morrissey show can create that.

Anat started firing back with raisins and apricots. But she kept missing and was destroying her walls.

Tears almost fell from her eyes.

Alana and Marc were sitting in the theater waiting for Morrissey to take the stage. The two loved him since the Smiths and will always regret they never saw them. Oh well. The pre-show video was great.

The theater lights dimmed. The crowd roared. Musicians began taking their place on stage. Morrissey walked out.   The crowd exploded. All you could hear was the anguish of the crowd. No music played.

The auditorium got very bright. Morrissey was standing there. Everyone thought this was part of his craziness. He just stood in front of the mic. His lips were moving. The musicians were strumming their guitars, banging the drums and playing the keyboards. No music was heard. All the videos stopped.

Alana and Marc looked at each other. They knew what was happening. But they were unsure what to do. They knew they couldn’t get the music to play. But they knew they had to take out the crook that stole the show.

They wondered where in the arena she was. If she was even there. She could be working from anywhere. They opened their eyes and noses.   They figured she’d be clad like Alana, in all black.

Or she’d be dressed as an usher or other venue employee apparel. They know she liked to sneak her way into things that way.

They scanned the theater and all they saw were unhappy faces. They checked the hallways, concession stands, and ticket booth area. She was nowhere. They figured she did this remotely.

The two walked outside. They knew the show was not going to go on. They knew the theater staff’s tech folks would be hard at work. But they wouldn’t beat Anat.

They strolled down 46^th Street and saw an interesting looking homeless woman. She was bundled up and had the usual assortment of stuff the homeless carry. Her shopping cart was stuck up against the wall of the building she was sitting against.

Alana and Marc looked at each other. They sensed this woman wasn’t homeless and was Anat. She was wrapped up in a huge black coat. You couldn’t see her hands. But they were moving quite rapidly. Either she was rubbing them together to warm herself up. Or?

Marc threw some coins in her cup. Alana took a candy bar out of her purse and tossed it in. The woman nodded. But her face turned redder than it was.

Marc and Alana slowly walked away. But they kept their heads cocked in her direction. Alana decided to kick an empty water bottle that was in the street in the homeless woman’s direction. It landed right on her knee.

The woman was so immersed in her craziness she didn’t see it coming and jumped up. They knew it. They saw Anat grab the iPad she had hidden under her coat. They now knew what she was working on destroying entertainment all over.

Raisins started to fly. They were intercepted with pomegranates, figs, and wine. Anat ran towards them. She started screaming at them. Tears were rolling off her eyes. The two were bombarding her with their weapons. They wouldn’t kill her. But they would be not letting her off easy.

Raisins hit Alana in the eyes. She went down. Marc glanced at her. But shot at honey at Anat. Alana wiped her eyes. She got up and fired figs. Anat went down.

Marc and Alana ran over to her. She coiled herself up like a cobra. The two of them reigned terror all over her. They fired rapidly. Anat was immobile. The two grabbed her iPad.

Marc and Alana knew cybersecurity. But they had to figure out how to get Alana to stop.

They did some research. They weren’t sure how to handle this one. It was tough enough fighting their nemesis face to face. But now they had to deal with her cyber antics. Jen said she was always the smartest kid in camp. And the oddest. Makes sense. They couldn’t kill her. That was against their methods. But they had to stop her.

The two went to work. But promised to check in during the day if they had any ideas. Marc called Jen. She calmed herself down. She found some hard copies of her bank statements. Jake convinced the bank to investigate. They were ok for the time being.

Anat landed at JFK and went back to her apartment. She had the biggest smile on her face. She was proud of the mischief she’s been causing. Deep down inside she knew was getting out of control. But she just couldn’t stop. Her angst has built since was about five. She was now in control or was she? Anat knew she had to deal with Marc and Alana. They were too good. She wished she had some good in her. But in her life things never worked out. So why should she?

She worked for everything. No one ever helped her. Many people she knew got jobs through connections. She tried to network. Never helped her. Maybe that’s why she was so vicious with her superpowers.

Marc and Alana made their way through security at the EL Al terminal in Ben-Gurion. They were still wondering what was going on with Anat. They got to the gate and waited for their flight. They wondered when Anat was flying back to the U.S. Or was she staying in the Holy Land?

The two felt good. They boarded the jet, shut their eyes and dozed off.

Meanwhile, Tzipora and Eran were honeymooning all over Israel. They were very happy. Anat, on the other hand, was thinking about mischief. She was very pleased she kept her cool with Marc and Alana. She knew they’d fight again. It was just a matter of when. She was studying Jen’s Facebook page. She hacked into her account and some of her other files. She played around with her bank accounts, particularly the mortgage on the apartment she and Jake just purchased. She knew she was being too mean. Even for herself.

But she couldn’t let go of the abuse Jen gave her when they were kids in camp. Camp is the place where life is created.   People become who they are. The dead fish fights, raids, gross food and crazy competitions. That’s where you learn about life and settle into who you will be when and if ever grow up.

Anat finished up her hacking and went out for a glass of wine. She was feeling good. Yet bad.

The jet landed at JFK, the two hopped on the E subway back to Forest Hills. They got to Marc’s apartment and passed out.

They woke when they heard their iPhones screaming. Marc had many texts from Jen. She was screaming her bank accounts were wiped out and the bank wants to foreclose on her residence. Jen and Jake had lots of money. Money was never a problem in Jake’s family. Their credit cards were canceled.   Jen was crying.

Marc and Alana looked at each other. They knew she had been hacked. They figured Anat did it. That’s probably why she was so nice to them in Tel Aviv. They had no clue how and if they were going to fight this.

They had breakfast. Marc dialed Jen. She was freaking. She couldn’t put two sentences together. She said the bank said there were no records of their balances. He asked if he had any paper copies of statements. She said she’d take a look. He asked her if she had any emails.

Alana came back from the store with donuts.

The two conversed about the new problem and could they and should they resolve it? They new Anat was attacking Jen. They knew about cybersecurity. But Anat was now opening a whole new method of attack.

Marc and Alana left Safed after the wedding. They took the sherut to Tel Aviv. They checked into their hotel. Alana threw on her black bikini and hit the beach. Marc was not far behind. They were more relaxed than ever. The wedding was beautiful and peaceful.

The two friends jumped into the water. They swam for a while. Life was good. After a lovely beach day, they showered and went to Dizengoff Street for dinner. Nothing could go wrong. Jen sent some photos of her kid. Marc was happy for her. He knew the two of them were not right for marriage.

The two were walking hand in hand. They saw the usual crowds by the bars. They went back to the beach to take a walk and spend time together.

The next day, the weather was perfect. The two were enjoying themselves. All of a sudden they walked by a woman sunning herself on the beach. She had a towel over her head. Probably using it for sun protection. But it seemed like she was holding a Kindle.

Alana and Marc both said she looks familiar. As soon as she heard their voices, Anat sprung up out of her chair. Alana and Marc were ready to fight. Anat smiled at them and said hi. She asked how they were doing. The two looked at each other. They said they were doing well. The three conversed like friends for the next ten minutes.

Anat ended the conversation and went back to her book.

Alana was very excited to be the maid of honor in Tzipora’s wedding. She had a beautiful black gown. The rest bridesmaids were in pink. Alana decided she wanted to stand out for her friend.

She and Marc arrived in Safed about a week before the wedding. They settled there and then jumped on their buses to spend time where they needed.  Marc spent most of his time in the Old City talking to his rabbi. Alana spent her time on Jordan River. She canoed down the same path that helped lead her to her powers. She felt like a Sith visiting the old temples. She saw visions of her younger self.

The two got back to Safed about a day or two before the big day. All was calm. The night before the wedding Alana threw a dinner for Tzipora. Her family and closest friends were invited. At the end of the dinner, the two had what could be their last tryst. Doubtful.

Eran got up and went to morning services in the old Abuhav Sephardi shul. Marc was right next to him. The two got to know each other over the last year and became friends. They knew about their ladies activities.

Marc went back to his room to shower. Alana was in the bathroom putting on her makeup. Her black eyeliner and lipstick looked perfect. She was excited. Yet jealous. Every now and then she wished she’d get married. But she knows that’s not in the plan for her.

Tzipora was sweating like crazy. Her mom was with her. She was so nervous. She looked so pretty. Her mom was calming her. Her nervous dad was pacing in the hotel’s lobby.

Eran was pretty calm. He knew who he wanted. And was overjoyed to be getting her. They had about an hour to go.

The bridesmaids were out at Kikar HaMeginim (Defenders Square). Friends and family were gathering, too. The rabbi was talking to Tzipora’s nervous dad. The rabbi had been the family rabbi for many years. Dad calmed down and was ready.

Tzipora and her mom went to meet the ladies. She was ready. She knew she was getting someone great. Alana was not far behind. He eyes were wide open. No, she wasn’t looking to meet a guy. She was providing her usual security. To the best of her knowledge, Tzipora never did anything to Anat. They never met. The Jen-Anat war was established in summer camp.   And will probably never end. Wasn’t all of life established in camp?

“Kiss them for me” was played as Tzipora walked down the aisle with her dad. Alana was with her the whole way. The other bridesmaids and bridegrooms looked great. All were smiling. The rabbi married them. The newlywed coupled kissed and spent their 7 minutes alone.

The wine was poured and the food was served. The cocktail hour went beautifully. People sat down for dinner.

Anat was hiding in the background watching all. She knew she had no beef with Tzipora and Eran. She was confused. She wanted to destroy this affair. She knew Marc and Alana would do their best to keep it going and provide safety.

She wasn’t sure if she should cause a scene just to cause one. Or let it rest.

 

 

 

 

 

How many times do you see people post on Facebook, “My phone is dead. If you need to reach me send an email or dial this #”. These folks often go on to explain that since their phone is dead they can’t listen to their music.  Why do you need to tell us? We can figure out if your phone doesn’t work the features on it won’t.  More important, do you think we care if you can’t blast your music out of your phone?

One can be sure these nuts ran right to their laptop or another mobile device to announce to the world their phone is down.  Do they really think their 500 or so Facebook friends or other social media app contacts give a damn?

Most of these people are not in high-level positions where they really need to be reachable 24/7.  Let’s face it if they were in that situation it unlikely they’d resort to posting this on Facebook. Can you imagine the commanding officer of a police precinct announcing to his social media friends, “his phone is dead?” Or a CEO of a Fortune 500 company making the announcement?

Really, do you think you’re that important that if your phone dies or you lose it that you need to tell the world?

Recently there were a number of stories discussing a new plight yellow cabbies are suffering. When they get to their destination people often jump out of the cab and don’t pay. That’s because they forgot they weren’t in an Uber where you pay when “hailing”.

So has this trend moved into bathrooms? As most of us know the bathrooms in most offices, movie theaters, restaurants, sports and other entertainment venues have auto flush. You go, walk away, the bowl flushes. Nice.

But not every place has auto flush bowls. How many times have you walked into the ever filthy likely never cleaned bathroom in Penn Station at any hour and noticed the water in the urinal is quite yellow. Or noticed feces floating in the bowl in the stall? I won’t get into the feces and urine all over the floor of the bathroom. That’s another story. I’ve been left wondering if auto flush has made many people stop flushing? Please do us a favor, flush.